Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Whizzo Chocolates
Inspector (Graham Chapman):
Mr. Hilton?
Mr. Hilton (Terry Jones):
Ah, yes.
Inspector:
You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Mr. Hilton:
I am.
Inspector:
Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad...
Mr. Hilton:
Oh, yes.
Inspector:
...and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled "The Whizzo Quality Assortment."
Mr. Hilton:
Ah, good, yes.
Inspector:
If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that!
Mr. Hilton:
Agreed.
Inspector:
Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog."
Mr. Hilton:
Ah, yes.
Inspector:
Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
Mr. Hilton:
Yes, a little one.
Inspector:
Is it cooked?
Mr. Hilton:
No.
Inspector:
What? A raw frog?
Mr. Hilton:
We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple-smooth full-cream treble milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose!
Inspector:
That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
Mr. Hilton:
What else would it be?
Inspector:
What! Don't you even take the bones out?
Mr. Hilton:
If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Inspector:
Constable Parrot ate one of those!
Constable Parrot (Terry Gilliam):
Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?
Inspector:
Yes.
Mr. Hilton:
Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly.
Inspector:
Well, never mind that. We have to protect the public. People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate. The superintendent thought it was an Almond Whirl. They're bound to think it's some kind of mock frog.
Mr. Hilton:
Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!
Inspector:
Nevertheless, I advise you to in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog" with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog" if you want to avoid prosecution.
Mr. Hilton:
What about our sales?
Inspector:
I don't give a damn about your sales. We have to protect the public! Now, what was this one? Number five. It was number five, wasn't it? Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!" Now what kind of confection is this?
Mr. Hilton:
We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit!
Inspector:
Larks' vomit?
Mr. Hilton:
Correct.
Inspector:
It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit!
Mr. Hilton:
Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.
Inspector:
I hardly think this is good enough! It would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label. "Warning: Larks' Vomit!"
Mr. Hilton:
Our sales would plummet!
Inspector:
Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm led to understand, or Strawberry Delight? I mean, what's this one? "Cockroach Cluster?" And this, "Anthrax Ripple?"
[Constable Parrot vomits into his helmet. The inspector looks at him admonishingly.
The constable puts his vomit-filled helmet back on his head.]
Inspector:
And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?"
Mr. Hilton:
Aaah, that's our speciality! Covered in darkest, velvety smooth chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks!
Inspector:
If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat! I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
