Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Scene 8: The French castle / wooden rabbit

[King Arthur music]

[clop clop clop]

[pause]

Hallo!

FRENCH GUARD:

Allo! Who is eet?

ARTHUR:

It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

FRENCH GUARD:

This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR:

Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

FRENCH GUARD:

Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

ARTHUR:

What?

GALAHAD:

He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR:

Are you sure he's got one?

FRENCH GUARD:

Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

FRENCH GUARDS:

[chuckling]

ARTHUR:

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH GUARD:

Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR:

Well, what are you, then?

FRENCH GUARD:

I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

GALAHAD:

What are you doing in England?

FRENCH GUARD:

Mind your own business!

ARTHUR:

If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH GUARD:

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

GALAHAD:

What a strange person.

ARTHUR:

Now look here, my good man--

FRENCH GUARD:

I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD:

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH GUARD:

No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

[sniff]

ARTHUR:

Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

FRENCH GUARD:

(Fetchez la vache.)

OTHER FRENCH GUARD:

If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

ARTHUR:

Right! Charge!

KNIGHTS:

Charge!

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD:

Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD:

And this one's for your dad!

ARTHUR:

Run away!

KNIGHTS:

Run away!

FRENCH GUARD:

Thppppt!

FRENCH GUARDS:

[taunting]

LAUNCELOT:

Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

ARTHUR:

No, no. No, no.

BEDEVERE:

Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[later]

[wind]

[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]

[clunk]

[bang]

[rewr!]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[creak]

FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]

C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi?

Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[clllank]

ARTHUR:

What happens now?

BEDEVERE:

Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: