Monty Python's Life of Brian

Monty Python's Life of Brian
Scene 21: Otto and the Judean People's Front

REG:
Line up along there. Now get ‘em in two rows, Reg. Ahh--
OTTO:
Hail, Leader!

BRIAN:
What?
OTTO:
Oh, I-- I’m so sorry. Have you see ze new Leader?
BRIAN:
The what?
OTTO:
The new Leader. I-- I wish to find him and hail him. Hail, Leader. See?
BRIAN:
Who are you?
OTTO:
Uh, my name is... Otto.
BRIAN:
Oh. Otto.

OTTO:
Yes.
BRIAN:
Well, I’m not sure, but I--
OTTO:
Oh, I grow so impatient, you know. To see the Leader that has been promised our people for centuries. The Leader who will save Israel by ridding it of the scum of non-Jewish people, [sniff] making it pure! No foreigners; no riff-raff; no gypsies.
BRIAN:
Shh! Otto!
OTTO:
What? The Leader? Hail Leader!
BRIAN:
No, no; it’s dangerous.
OTTO:
Oh. Danger? There’s no danger. Men!
[drum march]
Impressive, eh?
BRIAN:
Yes.
OTTO:
Oh, yes! We are a thoroughly trained suicide squad.
BRIAN:
Oh.
OTTO:
Oh, yes! We can commit suicide within twenty seconds.
BRIAN:
Twenty seconds?
OTTO:
You don’t believe me?
BRIAN:
Yes.
OTTO:
I think you question me.
BRIAN:
No, no, no.
OTTO:
I can see you do not believe me.
BRIAN:
No, no. I do.
OTTO:
Enough! I’ll prove it to you. Squad!
JUDEAN PEOPLE’S FRONT:
Hail, Leader!

OTTO:
Commit... suicide!
CAPTAIN:
Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One!
J.P.F.:
[groaning]

OTTO:
See?
BRIAN:
Yes.
OTTO:
I think now you’ll believe me. Yes?
BRIAN:
Yes. Very impressive.
OTTO:
I think now I prove it to you, huh?
BRIAN:
Yes.
OTTO:
All dead.
BRIAN:
Ye--
OTTO:
Not one living. He’s dead... and he’s dead. See? I tread on him. He’s dead... and he’s dead... and he’s dead. They’re all dead. All dead good Jewish boys. No foreigners! But their names will live forever!

Helmut, Johnny,... the little guy,... the-- er-- the other fat one. Their names will live eventually forever.
[sniff]
RANDOM:
[p-p-p-p-p]
RANDOM:
[p-p-p-p]
OTTO:
Wait a minute.
[sniff]
There’s somebody here who’s not dead. There’s somebody here who is only pretending to be dead. Stand up, you.
RANDOM:
Oow!
RANDOM:
A-ha.
OTTO:
Who said ‘ow’?!
RANDOM:
Uhhlm.
OTTO:
You’re not dead either. Neither are you! Stand up! Stand up. You’re not dead. Ah-- Eh-- Oh, my heck! Stand up! Stand up, all of you! Oh, my heck, is there not even one dead?!
HELMUT:
No, sir. Not one.
OTTO:
Why not?!
HELMUT:
We thought it was a practise, sir.
OTTO:
But all the bleeding and the groaning?
HELMUT:
Little secreted sheeps’ bladders, sir.

OTTO:
Oh-- Oh, my cock! Sheeps’ bladders?!
HELMUT:
Yes.
OTTO:
You are sour! A non-Semitic, mutinous, racially impure, cloth-eared bunch of Roman-lovers!
HELMUT:
Stumm, stumm, stumm. Sorry, sir.
OTTO:
Tomorrow, as a punishment, you will all eat... pork sausages!
J.P.F.:
[groaning]
HELMUT:
Oh, no.
OTTO:
Now-- All right. Tell ze Leader that we are ready to die for him ze moment he gives the sign.

BRIAN:
What sign?
OTTO:
The sign that is the sign. That shall be the sign. Men! Forward!
[drum march]

J.P.F.: [singing]
There’s a man we call our Leader.
He’s fine and strong and brave,
And we’ll follow him unquestioning
Towards an early grave.

He-e gives us hope of sacrifice
And a chance to die in vain,
And if we’re one of the lucky ones,
We’ll live to die again.
BRIAN:
Silly bugger.